Over the last ten months of the pandemic, I have observed how my mask is affecting my vision, while also impeding my ability to breathe. As a result of the lack of oxygen going to the brain, my frontal lobe is slowly eroding, and this greatly diminishes any decision-making skills.
Weekly trips to the grocery store seem like entering an overcrowded Covid ward, so I add a medical mask to wear underneath my classy outer facial covering. Double protection, you see. For this outing, I carefully choose Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg for my outer mask motif, along with blue latex gloves which provide added protection and enhance my chic appearance. The large protective glasses I bought at Metzger’s Hardware will prevent that sneaky devil Covid from slithering through the air and sliding into my eyes. Of course, the medically correct eyewear immediately steams up, which greatly impedes my vision. So now I am stumbling through a thick grey fog, unable to see, and trying to draw on my crumbling frontal lobe to guide me.
Twenty minutes later I feel my way through the mist in the parking lot to where I find my candy-apple red Rav4, shimmering in the haze of my drunken vision. Unlocking the car door is difficult with this greatly impaired ability to determine what I see or where I am. The sight of long skinny legs in blue jeans sitting in my driver’s seat confuses me. But because of the diminishing decision-making skills of my Swiss-Cheese frontal lobe, I decide it’s only a trick of my optical receptors.
Getting into the driver’s seat seems harder than usual and I am a bit disgruntled by the cramped, uncomfortable feeling. The steering wheel seems much closer than usual. “Oh, no! I need to lose weight,” I think. Almost immediately a loud snort bellows in my right ear!
“Hey,” What do you think you’re doing?” It’s a male voice, and I’m definitely sitting on male legs! Twisting around, I behold the creep who has dared to sit in MY car! Through my medically correct eyewear, his eyes are huge and blurry. The lack of oxygen in my two masks makes me weak and faint. In a panic, I manage to twist and squirm, ungracefully falling out of MY car, before unleashing my full wrath on this interloper.
“What do you mean, what am I doing? How dare you squat in my Rav4?”
The shimmering eyes of this insolent interloper lean in very close, causing me to feel a sick dizziness as I struggle to make him out through my medically correct Metzger’s eyewear. By now I am near to passing out from the stifling effect of my two safe facial coverings.
“YOUR Rav4? This is MY Lexus. There is a HUGE difference between the two! How can you be so ignorant!”
Shaking my head like a confused drunk, I try to sift through any rational explanations hiding in my now collapsed frontal lobe. Then, regally throwing my bony shoulders back and straightening my 5’ scrawny body, I glare at him in a rage of false bravado. “You don’t have to be so rude about it!”
Assuming a haughty posture of indignation, I turn and stalk regally away, blind and about to faint from lack of air.